JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of Driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F...>word?

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
 
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his open window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I think I'm out of petrol."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What on earth did you put into my petrol tank?"

The bee answered, "BP."
 
This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and
says: "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My
name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in
order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.. Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! You
will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."


"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed
...


"Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I went to your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided
you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to
your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my
appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
 
This joke i heard my brother saying over his mocrophone.
I personally think its mean.
But here is actually a couple.

What do you call a aboriginal in a red car?
A jaffa

What do you call an aboriginal bungee jumping?
A teabag.

enjoy!
but i personally dont like them.


xx
 
dont know if this one is on here yet but here it goes...

Little Johnny walks in on his mum in the shower and points at her down stairs department and says "mum whats that?" his mum quickly replies ohhh thats where your dad hit me with an ax, Johnny replies " GEE what a shot, right in the C**T
 
A feisty 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count
to see if he could father another child.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
 
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"I figured that." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Kmart anymore either.
 
Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"
the teacher asked.

Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about
you, Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right
back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very
mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once
and show us your good manners?"

I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner."
 
Was Jesus A Woman?


THREE CHARACTERISTICS SUGGEST THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into his father’s business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

THREE CHARACTERISTICS SUGGEST THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody “brother.”
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

THREE CHARACTERISTICS SUGGEST THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

THREE CHARACTERISTICS SUGGEST THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

THREE CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE CHARACTERISTICS SUGGEST THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

(and the most compelling observations . . .)

THREE CHARACTERISTICS SUGGEST THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
 
An elderly couple visit McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of
french fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counts out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a
sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all
they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He
politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says
they are just fine - They are used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there
watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the
young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a
single bite of food and asks "What is it you are waiting for?"


THE TEETH."
?
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 
There was an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman having a drink in a pub, they were discussing how good their memories are. The Englishman said he could remember going to pre school, he was 4. The Scotsman said he could remember when he was Christened, he was 6 months old. The Irishman said they had bad memories and he can remember going to a dance with Dad and coming home with Mom.
 
Have you heard the Apple joke. Johnathan and Cleopatra were walking down the street, on the way down they rolled Lady-In-The-Snow, as she pulled out his Roman Beauty she said oh if your Cox`s Orange wasn`t so Democrat it would have been Delicious.
 
After a bit of extramarital fun, a man borrows some talcum powder from his new lover. Upon return home, his wife is waiting for him in the doorway at 3am and she is furious.
Wife: "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
Husband"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
Wife "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
 
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.


4. For high blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.


5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.


7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.


8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
- In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
- If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.


9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES .....
THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING ..
BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS...
 
Here's a Friday funny for you to have a wee giggle at :p
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the
teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the
teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says it will take the contagious."
Enjoy the day folks :)
 
John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'
Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.
John says: 'what is oral?'
Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says: F**k you too'
 
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