JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

PeterB

PeterB

Elite Armchair Athlete
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is en emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy
 
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder......
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********* very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your ** life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
 
On Saturday morning, I got up early and put my long johns on. Dressing quietly, I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog, went in the garage to hook up the car and boat and down the driveway I went.
Coming out of the garage the rain is pouring down; it's a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing at 50kts.

A couple of minutes later, I returned to the garage.

I came back into the house and on turning the TV to the weather channel, I find it's going to be bad weather all day long.

I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undress and slip back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different agenda, and whisper, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
 
PeterB, do you know what you may have started????

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed. "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters."

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies!!":lol:
 
A man goes to the zoo
When he gets there, there was only a dog.


It was a shitzu.
 
What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler! :p :p :p
 
OMG, not the baby jokes. There would be an entire generation here that hasn't heard them.

Q: What's 6' long and can't go around corners?
A: A baby with a javelin through it's head.

Q: What's blue and sits at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with it's floaties slashed.

Q: What's red and sits in the corner?
A: A baby playing with razor blades.

Q: What's green and sits in the corner?
A: The same baby 2 weeks later.

Q: What's the difference between a truck load of potatoes and a truck load of babies?
A: Potatoes don't scream when you cut their eyes out.

:lol: :oops:
 
Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next" :eek:
 
PeterB said:
OMG, not the baby jokes. There would be an entire generation here that hasn't heard them.
Q: What's 6' long and can't go around corners?
A: A baby with a javelin through it's head.
Q: What's blue and sits at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with it's floaties slashed.
Q: What's red and sits in the corner?
A: A baby playing with razor blades.
Q: What's green and sits in the corner?
A: The same baby 2 weeks later.
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of potatoes and a truck load of babies?
A: Potatoes don't scream when you cut their eyes out.
:lol: :oops:
Click to expand...
They are absolute classics... the more morbid the better! :D :D
 
Til Death Do Us Part


Old Lady Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast Why do you ask?" Mildred hung-up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my python weally gives a phuck."!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What does a baby look like in the microwave?
A: I don't know, I was masturbating at the time.
 
Short and sweet

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man complains,
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc. "Is it common?" asks the man. "It's Not Unusual," says the doc.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. :rolleyes:

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.[-X
 
What does Disneyland and Viagra have in common?
You wait for an hour just to have a 2 minute ride!

And for the morbid:

What do you call a dead baby nailed to a wall with no arms and legs?
Art!
 
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