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Dear God... Little Jamie came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His Birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Jamie was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into...

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don't worry Maria,” says the mother. "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and...

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it!" The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a...

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St. Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip...

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an > > audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see > the > > Pope. Dopey leads the pack. > > > > "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, > > "Excuse me...

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the AFL Grand Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the MCG he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the great southern stand - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first...

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in...

Here are some interesting definitions: Communism: You have 2 cows, the government takes 1 and gives you part of the milk. Socialism: You have 2 cows, the government takes 1 cow and gives it to your neighbor. Fascism: You have 2 cows, the government takes both, and sells you the milk...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"...

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts; "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't...

An Australian couple on holidays in NZ were driving down a country road (1/2 km from Wellington) when the wife said to her husband "..is that man doing what I think to that poor sheep!!" The husband stops the car and takes a second look "looks like he is, well I always wondered if all the...

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework...

A shy but handsome fellow was at a club and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I...

Here is one I've got for you: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My...

>>Official Male Sensitivity Test > >> > >>1. In the company of females, intercourse should be > >>referred to as: > >> > >>A. Lovemaking. > >>B. Screwing. > >>C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. > >> > >>2. You should make love to a woman for the first time > >>only after...

Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing...

Signs That You Are Too Drunk 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from...

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****. 2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a ****. 3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you? 4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: > * You have two cows. > * You sell one and buy a bull. > * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. > * You sell them and retire on the income. > > AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism): > * You have two cows. > * You sell three of them to your publicly...

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage...

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR KIDS 1. It's your fault were splitting up. 2. What do you mean you didn't nick it? I'm not made of money you know. 3. And remember - if your teacher gives you any gyp, chin him. 4. Here's a knife for the next time you get picked on. 5. Bring home some more...

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is not BALDING - He...

here's another one of those politically correct themes. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION...

Why do women have 2 more brain cells then cows??? So when you play with their tits they dont crap all over you!!!!:rolleyes: :o :rolleyes: