Best Jokes

  • Thread starter Lil Sumthin, Sumthin
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Lil Sumthin, Sumthin

:D Hey all :D

Yea i was just wonderen to every one what are some of the best, funniest jokes you guys have ever heard?

Here is one too get us started,


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!" :D
 
I thought Id chuck in these 'New Bowling Rules', just for fun...

New Bowling Rules
Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".

The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way?
Take us to your leader or I will fire."
The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How
did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."
 
I thought i'd add this one in, always gets a laugh with everyone....

Fly, Fish and the bear....

There's a fly buzzing above the water over a lake in the woods, there's a fish swimming underneath the fly in the lake.... he's starving and he thinks to himself, now if that fly flies down a little further, i can jump up and grab him & that'll be my lunch for the day.

So you have the fish watching the fly.

Along comes a bear, and he hasn't caught a fish all day, & spots the fish watching the fly, & thinks to himself, now if that fly flied down, & the fish jumps out, i can grab the fish, & finally i'll have my lunch for the day.

So now you have the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly.

Along comes a fisherman, down on his luck for the day, not being able to catch a fish all day, spots the bear watching the fish watching the fly...and thinks to himself, now if that fly flies down lower, the fish will jump up, the bear will catch the fish, i'll shoot the bear with my rifle, and i'll have a trophy to take home.

So now you have the fisherman, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly.

Along comes a little mouse, starving as well, spots some cheese in the fishermans hamper, & sees the fisherman watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, & thinks to himself, now if that fly flies a little further down, the fish will jump out, grab the fly, the bear will grab the fish, the fisherman will shoot the bear, and i can ran and grab the cheese, and there's my feast for the day.

So now you have, the mouse watching the fisherman, the fisherman watching the bear, watching the fish watching the fly.

Along comes a cat, who hasn't caught a thing all day as well, spots the mouse watching the fisherman, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, and brainstorms, now if that fly flies down, the fish will jump up, the bear will grab the fish, the fisherman will shoot the bear, the mouse will run and grab the cheese, and i'll grab the mouse and theres my LUNCH.

So now you have the cat watching the mouse, watching the fisherman, watching the bear, watching the fish watching the fly.

In a split second, BANG!!! SPLASH!!!!


THE FLY FLIES DOWN.... THE FISH JUMPS OUT & GRABS THE FLY.... THE BEAR GRABS THE FISH.... THE FISHERMAN SHOOTS THE BEAR.... THE MOUSE RUNS FOR THE CHEESE..... THE CAT..................... JUMPS MISSES THE MOUSE AND SPLASHES IN THE WATER....


Whats the moral of this story????







When the fly goes down..... the pussy gets wet... 8) :lol: :p :twisted: :D :evil:
 
I thought i'd add this one in, always gets a laugh with everyone....

Fly, Fish and the bear....

There's a fly buzzing above the water over a lake in the woods, there's a fish swimming underneath the fly in the lake.... he's starving and he thinks to himself, now if that fly flies down a little further, i can jump up and grab him & that'll be my lunch for the day.

So you have the fish watching the fly.

Along comes a bear, and he hasn't caught a fish all day, & spots the fish watching the fly, & thinks to himself, now if that fly flied down, & the fish jumps out, i can grab the fish, & finally i'll have my lunch for the day.

So now you have the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly.

Along comes a fisherman, down on his luck for the day, not being able to catch a fish all day, spots the bear watching the fish watching the fly...and thinks to himself, now if that fly flies down lower, the fish will jump up, the bear will catch the fish, i'll shoot the bear with my rifle, and i'll have a trophy to take home.

So now you have the fisherman, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly.

Along comes a little mouse, starving as well, spots some cheese in the fishermans hamper, & sees the fisherman watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, & thinks to himself, now if that fly flies a little further down, the fish will jump out, grab the fly, the bear will grab the fish, the fisherman will shoot the bear, and i can ran and grab the cheese, and there's my feast for the day.

So now you have, the mouse watching the fisherman, the fisherman watching the bear, watching the fish watching the fly.

Along comes a cat, who hasn't caught a thing all day as well, spots the mouse watching the fisherman, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, and brainstorms, now if that fly flies down, the fish will jump up, the bear will grab the fish, the fisherman will shoot the bear, the mouse will run and grab the cheese, and i'll grab the mouse and theres my LUNCH.

So now you have the cat watching the mouse, watching the fisherman, watching the bear, watching the fish watching the fly.

In a split second, BANG!!! SPLASH!!!!


THE FLY FLIES DOWN.... THE FISH JUMPS OUT & GRABS THE FLY.... THE BEAR GRABS THE FISH.... THE FISHERMAN SHOOTS THE BEAR.... THE MOUSE RUNS FOR THE CHEESE..... THE CAT..................... JUMPS MISSES THE MOUSE AND SPLASHES IN THE WATER....


Whats the moral of this story????







When the fly goes down..... the pussy gets wet... 8) :lol: :p :twisted: :D :evil:
 
This question you's can answer:

Why is it, when a guy talks dirty to a girl its called sexual harrassment, but when a girl talks dirty to a guy its $3.95 per minute?

Q: Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: 3 shots

Quotes:

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home


If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all

My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'

What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty


:Denjoy:D
 
KriDdLe said:
This question you's can answer:


What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap
Click to expand...

thats a little too Tasmanian .. even for me!
 
I got a few, not too sure wether they will last long on here lol:

how do you circumcise a bogun? kick his sister in the jaw.

there was an aussie and an irish guy sitting in a bar, watching tv. on the news there was a suicide jumper on a building. the aussie turns to the irish guy and goes"I'll bet you 500 he jumps" the irish guy agrees. 10 seconds later the guy jumps and the irish man sadly hands over the money. then the aussie being guilt ridden turns back to him and says"I'm sorry mate I can't take your money. I saw it on the news earlier today, I wouldn't feel right" then the irish guy says" yeh I know I saw it too I just wanted to see if he would jump again"

what do you do when a bird shits on your window? don't take her out again.

there are more to say but I would get in trouble lol.
 
A guy goes to the doctors office and says, "Look doc I got a real itchy arse and I wanna know why"

so the doctor runs some tests and finds out the bloke has got tapeworm, to which the guy replies, "well what should I do?"

Doctor says, "go home and every day shove a piece of bacon and a scone up your arse every day for 2 weeks, then come back and see me"

Well the bloke thinks this is rather unusual and complete absurd, but goes home and does it for 2 weeks.

He goes back to the doctors office after 2 weeks and says, "It doesnt seem to be working, and I did it everyday for 2 weeks."

The doctor then says, "ok, drop your pants and bend over"

so the guy does what he's told, and the doctor gets a piece of bacon and shoves it up the guys arse. After a minute the tapeworm sticks his head out and yells, "OI! Wheres my Bloody Scone!!"



A woman goes to the doctor and complains of a bad flatulence problem.

"Do you exercise?" the doctor asks

"Yes, I exercise for 2 hours a day" the woman replies

"Do you eat healthy?"

"Yes I eat my 2 Fruit and 5 Veg everyday"

"And do you have a problem with goin to the toilet?"

"No, everything is fine"

So the doctor goes and gets a very long stick with a small hook at the end of it, and the woman asks, with a terrified look on her face, "What are you goin to do with that??"

The doctor replies, "its ok, I'm just gonna open a window, it stinks in here"
 
Here's one that always gets a laugh...

A ventriloquist walks up to to a New Zealand farmer and says, "Hi mate...do you mind if talk to your dog?"

To which the New Zealander replies, "Mate...the dog doesn't talk...he's dog".

The ventriloquist ignores the farmer's words and walks over the dog and says, "Hey there buddy. How does your owner treat you?"

The 'dog' then replies, "my owner treats me great! he takes me for walks and feeds me really well!"

The ventriloquist looks over to the farmer who is now standing there dumbfounded, unable to believe what just happened...

The ventriloquist then asks the farmer, "Do you mind if i talk to your horse?"

To which the farmer says, "you can do whatever you like but I'm telling you now bro, I've had that horse for eight years, and he doesn't talk!"

The ventriloquist then proceeds to walk over to the horse and starts to pat him. After a minute he says to the horse, "Hey there buddy, how does your owner treat you?" to which the 'horse' replies, "He treats me great! he feeds me lots of hay, he takes me for rides and he brushes me every day."

By this time the New Zealand farmer is beside himself.... he cannot believe what is unfolding in front of him...he turns to the ventriloquist and says, "I've had these animals for years and i had no idea that they could talk!!!"

The ventriloquist then says to the farmer, "That's not all...do you mind if i talk to your sheep?", the farmer quickly interupts him, points to the sheep and says...

"That sheeps a F*$@^N LIAR!!!!!"
 
My dad told me this one...

Why does the fish tin lid??

Because there's no bones in ice cream!!!!

HAHAHAHA

Do you get it?? No? Me neither :lol:
 
this one i my mate told me

there was a guy and his plan crashed on a deserted island and he was the only survivor and he relly wanted to have sex but the only thing on the island was a cammel and when ever he cought the cammel it always would run away. but one day another plan crashed on this island and the man saved a very sexy ladys life, she said that because he had seved her life that she would do anything to re-pay him, and he said anything, and she said anything, so he said could you hold the cammel. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
GOOD * BAD * WORSE
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them
 
hears another good one...

there is a man who had a lump on his head and he didn't know what it was so he went to the doc and asked what it was... the doc said that it could be cancer but i dont know you might have to get another opino.

so the man goes to another and asked waht it was... and this doc said it could be cancer or it could be a dick i am not sure and the man said i might see someone elese just to make sure.

he went to the 3rd doc and asked what it was... and the doc said thats a dick no dout about it. the man said well what should i do and the doc replys go out see the world, and the man said why is that?.. and the doc goes because when the balls drop then you want be able to see a thing.
 
theres an irish man siting at the bar
in comes a big black guy and says
i've got 19inch dick and my balls way three tonne
my names Ben Brown

the irishman faints
the black guy has a few drinks
the irishman comes to
and askes what you say


ive got a 19 inch dick and my balls weigh 3 tonne
and my names Ben Brown
i thougth you said bend down
 
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
 
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”


An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
 
One hot day a penguin pushes his car into a garage and starts talking to the mechanic.
Penguin : "Could you please check over my car to see what the problem is Sir?"
Mechanic : "Yeah give us about halk an hour and i'll have a look for you."

As the penguin waits he walks across the road and buys a vanilla soft serve cone from McDonalds and eats it on the grass outside. Because it was such a hot day the icecream began to melt quite quickly and the penguins beak became covered with the melted icecream. He looks down at his watch and realises that his car would be ready and quickly runs across the street to the garage.

Not realising that he still had icecream on his beak he enters the garage and the mechanic sees him and begins talking.
Mechanic : "Mate, You've blown a seal"
On hearing this the Penguin wipes his beak and replys..
"Oh no thats just icecream!"
 
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